ixiebash - Browse

#16(0) [+][-]
I've made sure that everyone knows what I want played at 1512mine. 'Unchained Melody' by the goons. I want a humanist type funeral, a cardboard coffin, and some trees planted. With maybe a wee plaque. As Unchained Melody plays, I want the pall bearers, who will be standing some distance away, and dressed as clowns, to run up as fast as anything, and slide me in my cardboard coffin on a piece of wet tarpaulin or polythene into the hole.

Of course, this won't happen, but I won't give a fuck, cause I'll be dead.

> Wot, no custard pies?

>> Alan, this a funeral FFS.

#18(13) [+][-]
I'm drunk. Nothing unusual there. However, I have mostly been painting my 1/35 scale model of a Panzer IV Ausf. H in a matt sand colour. I got a bit of it on my thumbnail, and looked at it for a while. It looked nice, so I painted all the rest of my nails in Humbrol matt sand enamel, like nail
varnish. It's dried brick hard now, my daughter and her friends think it looks 'stupid', but I like it. Jeanette will be back in shortly, I wonder what she'll think?

#19(11) [+][-]
Jazz: Musical Wanking. :-)

#20(-1) [+][-]
I've never understood this stuff:

"A dog moving at 40mph hits your windscreen with the force of an elephant".

But an elephant just standing there minding its own business doesn't hit your windscreen, so what elephant speed are they assuming?

#21(10) [+][-]
Andy G said:
> > heated butt-plug

This Years Must Have Winter Accessory.

Forget your heated vests for keeping your body core warm, go straight to the
source with our new Heated Butt-Plug. Sleek computer aided design for easy
insertion, specially designed t-bar end to prevent accidental loss. Comes
with branded lubrication and handy 12V connector jack so you can connect it
straight to your bike or cars electrical system.

Comes with it's own discreet storage case in a range of modern colours. Gets
your body core warm quickly and keeps it there leaving you to concentrate on
the road!

Available in vibrating or none vibrating.

#22(2) [+][-]
Gasp!

As FatBloke nearly chops the top of his thumb off opening some packaging!

Horror!

As FatBloke puts open pen-knife in his pocket while he clears up the blood
and stabs himself in the leg!

Shriek!

As FatBloke cuts through the power cable of new pressure washer in his hurry
to remove the cable ties.

Sigh in boredom!

As FatBloke hunts around for an old plug that can actually be taken to bits
and refitted instead of the nanny-state moulded bollocks that is currently
fitted.

Laugh!

As FatBloke removes the paint from the wing mirrors and wheel trims of his
car!

Cringe in embarrasment!

As FatBloke turns round to talk to his next door neighbour who has just been
to pick up his 10 year old daughter from school, and hits her square in the
chest with a power washer at full whack. Pfff, why's she crying, she's got a
fucking puffa jacket on!

Hide!

As FatBloke, who has finished destroying the paintwork on his car, spots the
FZR600 race bike in his garage, and decides to roar up and down the Close on
it. To the annoyance of the old boy on the end, who shakes his fist, and
points at the telephone he his holding.

44 Quid from Homebase! A jetwasher, and fack me is it powerful! It really
has taken the paint off the wing mirrors and wheel trims. Mind you, they
were scabby and chipped already, so it's only to be expected. I'll be a bit
more careful next time, and hold the thing further away. It has also lifted
oil stains off my drive, and completely shifted the green algae and muck off
the bit of the decking I tried it on. It's not exactly a quality bit of kit,
but you can't argue with 1200 bar and 44 quid.

#23(29) [+][-]
> Scrotes
> understand one thing - a fucking good kicking and/or their wallet
> being nicked/their mountain bike being smashed to fuck. Actually
> that's three things but you get my meaning.
>

...our main weapon is a fscking good kicking...a fscking good kicking
and nicking your wallet...dur...TWO...our TWO main weapons are a
fscking good kicking and nicking your wallet and smashing your MTB to
fsck...THREE...our THREE main weapons are a fscking good kicking,
nicking your wallet, and smashing your MTB to fsck...and doing your
head in...FOUR...Ugh...we'll come in again...

#25(1) [+][-]
Yes, we of the hirsute arses are gifted/cursed with higher than average
testosterone. It's good for some things, though you shouldn't see that as
derogatory, as hairless fellows (who are high in oestrogen) are good for
tidying up and cleaning and having lovely conversations and wearing pretty
dresses and driving girls cars ;-)

#26(7) [+][-]
[21:04] i am a monitor pixie
[21:05] he pastes all the little letters on the screen from the iside, very quickly

#27(14) [+][-]
[21:04] <stringer> i am a monitor pixie
[21:05] <Hamster> he pastes all the little letters on the screen from the iside, very quickly

#28(20) [+][-]
mike@tauzero.co.uk said:
>In which case, it may be that the skirt was being forced
>against the wall, giving more of a clatter than a slap.
>
>What sort of small end lubrication is there? Is it splash fed, or is
>there a channel up the conrod from the bigend?

And Mike wins the January award for the most innuendo in a Serious Bike
Posting.

rgds, 'selective editing' Alan

#29(13) [+][-]
Hyphen-Matt :
[1] New York second is the smallest measure of time. It is the time between
the traffic lights turning green and the car behind honking apparently...

Mark T:
I thought (according to New Scientist anyway), the shortest measure of time
is the 'Oh Sh*t' moment which, although infinitely small, allows to you to
foresee the consequences of your actions in full. It occurs, for example,
at the point when you hit the enter key after typing 'rm -R *' while logged
in as root, or at the point where you realise that however hard you hit
those brakes, you aren't going to scrub off enough speed to make the corner.

#30(-1) [+][-]
There's only one kind of music that isn't bollocks and that's trance garage hippy house metal with overtones of hip-hop snatch reggae, a brief undercurrent of dubrap classical convertive pop in an avantgarde revival bluegrass stylee topped off with a liberal smearing in the midrange and the inclusion of massed (150+) harps.

#31(3) [+][-]
Riding into work this morning I noticed a rabbit in the road in front of me,
remembering ixion advice I headed straight for it.... and ran it over.

IIRC the advice to aim for small mammals in the road is based on the
assumption that the animal will run off in one direction so swerving will
give a 50% chance of hitting it whereas aiming for it will mean you miss it
(IYSWIM).

This advice needs to be modified.... it doesn't hold true if the animal is
already dead.

#33(6) [+][-]
3 thirty something wimmin, on vodka, having an impromptu pissup,discussing how all the worlds problems are my fault...

#38(14) [+][-]
Lee said:
> Imagine sitting in an old, overstuffed armchair, perched atop a pogo
> stick bouncing madly around in a bowl of custard - yep that just about
> sums it up ;o)

Old people have such weird sex lives...

Andy

#39(11) [+][-]
> Eeeew. How in the hell did you get Orb inside >your head?

Someone told him there was a fat burd in white stilettos inside?

#40(11) [+][-]
Madonna "What it feels like for a girl"
"Old Kuntz Rest House" in the vid
Matt's place ahs been in a Madge video?
Handbag Matt's House?
snap!
SNAP!
bollocks

#41(10) [+][-]
Looks Like I might well be getting a Karcher pressure washer for xmas
splendid
THE GPS looks like a non starter atm
They're great, but not cheap
I'd need to get it fitted to the bike as well which I'm sure would be more expense
Yes
that's an idea
fit the karcher to the bike
for the purpose of diciplining errant car drivers
er, by washing their cars on the move
hmm
maybe not
If you suggest it to ORB he might look into it
:-)
Ixies stop for a cig break and Orb washes his bike

#42(5) [+][-]
There's a difference between playing a banjo well and marrying your cousin,

#43(12) [+][-]
My knowledge of these things is a bit sketchy - I know how to fiddle with my own bits, but other people's are something of a mystery

#44(13) [+][-]
Orb: actually - as I'm sure you know - being rimmed is a rather nice experience

Paul Coyne: Never tried it. suspect it tickles lots

#45(14) [+][-]
Orb and I are the Laurel and Hardy of chubby chasing perversion

#46(7) [+][-]
My knees are fscked since I started riding with my balls on the footpegs! (Sep '03)

#47(13) [+][-]
> --
> "At precisely this moment, someone, somewhere is getting ready for a
> ride. The motorcycle stands in the cool, dark garage, its air expectant
> with gas and grease. The rider approaches from outside; the door opens
> with a whir and a bang. The light goes on, A flame, everlasting seems
> to rise on a piece of chrome..."

The key turns in the ignition, lights sparkle on the in the cold morning
air. The rider caresses the start button, the mechanical parts whirr around.
The rider adds choke and caresses the start button again, the mechanical
parts whirr around again but still the fires fail to ignite.

'Fuck' is whispered into the cold air.

The choke is pushed back a little and the button caressed for the third
time. The motor spins again but begins to slow down straight away.

'Oh you twat' the rider says softly.

For a fifth time the button is pressed and the engine is turned over. The
rider persists this time letting the engine run on the starter motor. The
engine backfires once but fails to start. The gentle green neutral light
begins to fade.

'You fucking bastard piece of mechanical arse shite.' swears the rider
switching the ignition off and pushing the bike outside.

Half an hour later, sweaty and breathless the rider returns to the garage
and locks the door. The bike ticks over gently on the side stand at the side
of the road. It has done nearly a mile up and down the street being pushed
by the unfit rider until it reluctantly burst into life.

The rider straddles the bike and snicks into first gear. A whiff of gas and
the clutch is gently let out. The bike stalls.

'Oh you cunt' swears the rider hitting the petrol tank and denting it.

The rider presses the starter button hopefully, the engine whirrs, back
fires then slows down then stops. The rider presses the starter button in
desperation but hears nothing but a 'click'.

'Fecking arse shit bags cunt bollocks' shouts the rider making next doors
dog bark.

The rider dismounts, forgets the side stand and the bike falls into the road
on its side. The rider starts crying gently to himself, the spell is broken.

#48(19) [+][-]
Its amazing what you can do with one hand...

#49(8) [+][-]
[21:26] Ding Dong! Satan calling!
[21:27] I've got sore fingers, from learning chords
[21:29] fuckers, there's no one else here, is there?
[21:30] good, well I'll just mumble to myself then
[21:30] in Scotch
[21:31] in fact, I'll pretend there's two of me, and I'll have a converstion
[21:31] Awright neebs?
[21:32] Aye, no bad
[21:32] Sare fingers
[21:32] Aye
[21:32] How's yersel?
[21:32] No bad
[21:33] S'nae fun, jawin tae yersel, is it?
[21:34] shut yer pus
[21:34] ur you fuckin talkin tae me?
[21:34] Aye!
[21:35] ya cunt, you're fuckin claimed, ya bam!
[21:36] ye widnae daur lay a haund oan me, ya hoory basturt
[21:37] aye ah fucken wid!
[21:37] goan then!
[21:39] cheerio

#50(14) [+][-]
nothing gets your blood flowing like getting shot
(from Ixienet)

#51(4) [+][-]
[22:53] I always suspected this was a nazi hub
[22:53] did oracle stuff -
[22:53] :-)))
[22:53] orb i heard that ;-)
[22:53] :-)))))))
[22:54] snigger!
[22:54] achtung stillgestanden!
[22:54] am ende steht der sieg!
[22:54] hände hoch! donner und blitzen
[22:54] arbeit macht etc
[22:54] gotten himmel fritz
[22:54] Achtung! Achtung!
[22:54] ich habe die nase voll diese scheissunterricht!
[22:54] achtung minen
[22:55] Achtung spitfure.
[22:55] allles gut
[22:55] I guess we all learnt German from those little war comics then? :-)
[22:55] I'm crying now - can someone grab this for ixiebash?
[22:55] gottsverdammte lankaschierische

#53(7) [+][-]
[23:48] anyway...
[23:49] whilst we were in the shop, the guy showed us some other (more expensive) sewing machines
[23:49] They do that.
[23:49] Bastards.
[23:49] they come with compact flash and USB ports these days!
[23:49] cool
[23:49] GTFOOT!
[23:49] don't tell Ben
[23:49] i kid you not
[23:49] That's just the cooles toy!
[23:50] t
[23:50] gotta get me one of those
[23:50] i was gobsmacked
[23:50] i almost want one, too

#54(8) [+][-]
[23:47] Standards, Adam, standards.
[23:47] there are standards for falling off bikes now?
[23:48] "the ISO standard low-side"
[23:49] ACU standard "pulling off into the stationary car in front of you at a junction"
[23:49] Fnaar!
[23:49] arf
[23:49] not easy when you've got your winter gloves on, that

#55(8) [+][-]
[2004-02-24 19:28] Yebbut you have a life outside that Adam (assuming this is Adam I'm speaking to) with proper burd and everything. I've got nothing to look forward to this evening apart from some TV.

#56(-7) [+][-]
Hmm, I've sat in front of my PC arsing about like a sad loser and achieved nothing ....
[19:30] Yebbut you have a life outside [...] with proper burd and everything. I've got nothing to look forward to this evening [...]

#57(14) [+][-]
Not me - I luuurve wedding frocks. You can make any old boiler look really crumpet in one. It's an unrealised ambition of mine to get a burd in a really posh wedding dress and tiara and do her up the arse.

#58(-2) [+][-]
Russell Said:
> Again it's common knowledge that you like
> wearing skirts and dancing with Orb.

We take it in turns to lead. And a moderate amount of shame on you for associating recreational transvestitism with fudge packing. You'll be telling me next you've never heard of Eddie Izzard ("travesti executif").

#59(7) [+][-]
[23:34] You won't catch me mainlining Marmite I can fscking tell you

#60(1) [+][-]
IainL: Cool. Fong *is* a doctor, I had to get up at 2am last night for a piss, so you can examine my prostate before you get to pick up the TRX bits.
We can do it in the garage
PaulC: euwwww
Fong: i'm sure we'll both relish th esxperi nce
PaulC: Aren't you supposed to be giving him the exhaust?
IainL: he'll be looking up that to examine said gland
Fong: no needd to look
IainL: Yes there is! I'm not having a bloody not yet qualified doctor poking their finger up my arse in a garage! You can shove the exhaust pipe up and have a look!

#61(0) [+][-]

When you are getting ready to exchange bikes with someone and are preparing your bike for them, don't spend three hours trying to get rid of the clunking from the brand new head bearings, including removing the front forks to check that the races are seated properly, until you've remembered that you have fully floating PFM brake discs that *always* make a clunking sound when the brake is applied and the bike rocked backwards and forwards.

#62(1) [+][-]
Paul said:
Does anyone else get the impression Andy spends the weekends wandering around wearing a sandwich board with "The End is Nigh" written on it ;-)

Andy sed:

I reckon it has 'The End is Nigh' on the front and 'Fuck you Jack, I'm alright' on the back. :-)

#63(10) [+][-]
> Adam:
> > > Do you need another bike for the return leg?
> mlh:
> > Never go back
>
> Never explain.
>
> Never apologise.

Never eat cornflakes with boiled lager, even for a dare

#64(20) [+][-]
I had to abandon my old mower, as it was just getting scary to use. It started
off as a normal flymo jobbie, but I got bored one weekend, and skimmed and
ported the head/barrel. Had to run it on avgas in the end, as the compression
was too high for the beaver p*ss laughingly sold as 'unleaded' by my local
petrol station.

I got rid of it when I carelessly ran over a housebrick with it, and it
chopped it clean in two and lobbed one half over next doors fence. Probably
would have been quite a good engine for a kart. Instead I took it to the
local tip and let the pikeys get their hands on it.

#65(-4) [+][-]
I'm going to get some pictures off a website and set myself up as a virtual
girlfriend. I can spend two weeks sending out saucy pictures of someone else
and sending dirty SMS messages for 30-50quid a punter! :-)

In cyberspace noone knows that the pretty blonde, sexual adventurous 16 year
old bisexual, virgin babe is a 36 year hairy fat bastard from Yorkshire! :-)

#66(20) [+][-]
But that's why it's my _clever_ strategy, for some of the football fans
will seem as cockney ponces to your crude northern eyes. And in the centre
will be Andy Cannon, who sounds northern to southerners and southern to
northerners. Thus will the group be poised, with palpable tension ... then
I'll call over, suggesting that Andy's in the middle because of
gravitational pull: He will then need to give me an immediate kicking and
start to wade through you little people, who will swarm around shouting
your scouser war cry of "eh! eh! calm down! calm down!".